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Joke of the Day

"Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign"

"Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact."

"[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*"

"The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered."

"How did Moses feel after falling for a craigslist scam? Egypt."

"i'm the human version of samwise gamgee, can't destroy the ring but make sure it gets home so someone else can"

"The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn't know what to do so I ate it."

"Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating."

"What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian bail"

"I'm taking a 10-hour drive tomorrow and I'm worried about where I'll be pooping. What? No. I don't want to supersize. Aren't you listening?"