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Joke of the Day

"The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible."

"Becoming a vegan ...was a big missed steak"

"I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs. It's very eggs-citing."

"Why do cavemen drag their women by their hair? Because if you drag them by their feet their cunts fill up with mud."

"Why do men, on average, die before women? Because they want to."

"My kids and I are exact opposites. They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me."

"If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election... ...maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!"

"Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb crap"

"when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like ""wheeee!"""

"Sometimes I wake up grouchy sometimes I let her sleep"