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Joke of the Day

"Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. I think I'll return the piece of shit to Ikea!"

"Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material.."

"I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is."

"What do you get when you cross a bell with a piece of shit? Dung."

"This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first."

"Geology rocks"

"Why don't we see more midget actors? I guess you can say that they are in short supply these days."

"*hostage situation* Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out... NO DON'T COME IN HERE"

"What was Hitler's favorite Yu-Gi-Oh card? Blue eyes white aryan"

"Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood? Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month"