11709

Joke of the Day

"""Wow, I haven't showered since last year!"" ""Haha good one, but it's not the new year yet"" ""I know..."""

"Me: Did you know that a woman's voice gets higher when she's attracted to a man? Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend"

"Charlie Sheen's herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school."

"I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired."

"Why were the absurdly dressed chickens escorted from the basketball game? Because two flagrant fouls is an automatic ejection."

"Anxiety is like..[doesn't finish the simile due to crippling self doubt and the worry that people will think badly of me]"

"How are procrastination and masturbation alike? At first it's all fun, but in the end you realize you're just screwing yourself."

"Unless you're planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise."

"What do you call a happy penguin? A pengrin!"

"Did you hear about the mathematician who got out of jail? He's trying to integrate back into society, but you can still kinda differentiate him from others."