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Joke of the Day

"ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: ""she's nuts. This guy rules*"

"hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky babe i promise you're the only one no this is not a hickey ?it's just a bruuuise ?"

"Did you hear about the farmer who tried to be a stand up comedian? His jokes weren't dairy funny."

"Do you know what a pirate's favorite letter is? Most people think its ""R"" but it's really the ""C."""

"What do you call three Pokemon nerds having a circle jerk. Dugtrio"

"Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day"

"Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven't tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup."

"What's the code name for a nitrogen molecule? Double 07."

"*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa* You crazy? Security will hear us Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING Security: ALRIGHT"

"What did Consuela say to her boyfriend after he shagged her in the field? Grassy Ass"