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Joke of the Day

"My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She's been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease."

"Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy."

"Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks."

"If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they're okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved."

"Why can't a dog clap in the middle of a movie? Because it keeps hitting pause."

"""Favorite"" seems like a strong word. There should be a button that's more just ""Hey, fun Tweet. This is fun. We're having fun."""

"The only folks who put them passwords on that fancy wi-fi internets is terrorists. This is Merica, land of the free."

"I used to joke that someday a person's tweets would be held against them as they ran for President but now there's Trump so I guess not."

"Two homosexuals are bored... "" Let's play a game, if you win I'll play the girl's role. -OK -What has four legs and goes meow? -A crocodile. -You won !"""

"How many Trumps? How many trumps could donald trump trump if donald trump could trump trumps?"