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Joke of the Day

"I used to joke that someday a person's tweets would be held against them as they ran for President but now there's Trump so I guess not."

"Take my wife, Please!"

"How many Catholic priests does it take to screw a lightbulb?"

"The thing that frightens me the most about being brutally murdered is having Nancy Grace screeching about the details of it on primetime tv."

"Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster."

"April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims."

"Two peanuts were walking down the street One was a salted"

"If you see a profile pic with 1 fat girl and 1 pretty girl and can't figure out who's profile it is, make no mistakes... it's the fat one's."

"There isn't anything that keeps you awake at night like a case of the what ifs."

"What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac? A fucking thief!"