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Joke of the Day

"""IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!"" I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin."

"For all those who answer ""how's it goin?"" with ..""can't complain""...please review your FB status's"

"[job interview] Interviewer: ""Describe yourself in 2 words."" Me: ""Atinubs. Econsibu."" Interviewer: ""You're hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA."""

"Peanut Butter A man walks into a psychiatrist's office masturbating with a jar of peanut butter. He asks the doctor, ""Well, whaddya think?"". The doctor replied, ""I think you're fucking nuts."""

"I hate when people leave their shit in the bathroom I don't know what's so good about the showers. The toilets are right next to them!"

"Vegeta truly had his karma come back to him. He got married and had kids."

"A man starts having a heart attack mid flight... Person: Is anyone here a doctor? Vegan: I'm a vegan"

"Saw a blonde taking a milk bath... I said: Is it pasturized? She said: No silly, it's only up to my tits."

"48% of soda fountains tested positive for possible fecal contamination, meaning it's likely you've unknowingly been drinking cream soda."

"Hanging out with fake, toxic people is like running a brothel for diseased cats. I don't do that shit anymore"