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Joke of the Day

"I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon."

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"Pretty sure Brazil has an enormous wax museum."
"*tries to quietly eat carrot sticks during your funeral*"
"My abs hurt today because last night I went to the gym and got punched in the stomach"
"My Mexican teacher asked for a 2 page essay, he wasn't happy when I brought him Juan. Thought this up in the car and thought the nice people of the Internet would want to know :)"
"I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,""In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"" ""F**kin' large ones"" is not the correct answer."
"Average Guy: [writes her a song] Girl: ""Yeah, whatever."" Hot Guy: ""Sup."" Girl: ""Oh my god, you're so creative!"""
"Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them."
"Accidentally walked into the men's room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone."
"Que hace el pez cuando esta aburrido? Nada."
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