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Joke of the Day

"I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities."

"please sir. i beg of you. don't take away my job. i've got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it's tuscan"

"my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal"

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cape to wear and whoosh noises to make."

"Why can't my girlfriend perform at open mic night? Because she's a cover thief."

"What does a black man do when faced with the death penalty? Nigga pleads."

"What do you call Christopher Reeve before the accident? Christopher Walken."

"Ellie Goulding could really take her relationship to the next level... ... if she married Darth Vader (Don't know if I should be proud, but yes this is OC)"

"I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree."

"What's faster than the speed of light? The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*"