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Joke of the Day

"I spent last night at the 'As Seen on TV' store. I wanted to party like it's $19.99."

"Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It's to the point that Google even knows when I'm high."

"My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn't notice when I haven't moved my mouse in an hour."

"Why did the monkey trip over the branch? Because the Chimp-Can't -See"

"My wife says I don't listen to her. I think that's what she said, anyhow."

"What else do you need when you use your Batman shampoo? Conditioner Gordon."

"Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war."

"*speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info."

"""I'll sleep when I'm Ned!"" -Exhausted pre-op who plans to go by Ned after the surgery"

"At first I thought maybe HBO had another vampire show. Then I realized that's just what Steve Buscemi really looks like."