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Joke of the Day

"Worst thing about having a one-syllable name: Every ""Happy Birthday"" singer stretches it out awkwardly to fit the song. ""Paaaa-aul"""

"[Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* ""It's...an empty box."" *silence* ""Oh honey, I love it!"""

"I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday.. Then I realised it said ""thick cut""!"

"I'm thinking of becoming one of those hot girl accounts where you show like 70% of your face and tweet about your period and wolves"

"Why can't Trump be compared to vegetables in jokes? Because even artichokes have a heart."

"Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?"

"How many men does it take to moderate /r/MensRights ? None. There are no *men* there."

"I thought I'd lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself."

"I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what's going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again."

"So you're the bitch that told that bitch that I'm a bitch. Well listen bitch, it takes a bitch to know a bitch. So who's the bitch now, bitch?"