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Joke of the Day

"When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying"

"Him: Whatcha thinkin about? Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby."

"Why do you go to bed? Because the bed will not come to you."

"1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone."

"When I see one of those student driver cars, I always honk a lot and yell, ""You're doing great!"" I think they appreciate the encouragement."

"Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember...HE WAS LOOKING FOR US"

"Wife: you're so damn forgetful! M: oh nonsense! W: ok, did you get the cat food? M: WE HAVE A CAT??"

"How many metal drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one, but it takes 32 lightbulbs."

"I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters"

"What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day? C. U. Tomorov"