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Joke of the Day

"[sees some cut grass] ""Nice"" [sees some ripped leaves] ""oh yea"" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] ""holy shit"""

"You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!"

"You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg"

"Riddle: What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak? A dead bird"

"People that over-exaggerate are the absolute worst."

"Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it's to KEEP the kids? #WTF"

"Don't tell me you're fat because obesity runs in your family... Not a damn thing has ever run in your family."

"Donald Trump Is proof that Willie Wonka had sex with the Oompa Loompas."

"RIP 2012 (2012-2012)"

"i love hoodies man. am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows"