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Joke of the Day

"Don't tell me you're fat because obesity runs in your family... Not a damn thing has ever run in your family."

"if you hold an empty gatorade bottle up to your ear you can hear the sports"

"I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over."

"How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No"

"Why did ISIS burn 10000 copies of ""Dark Side Of The Moon""? Because it's a terrible album."

"""How do you find anything in here?!"" -my mugger, giving my purse back"

"How does a hipster measure out his drugs? Using instagrams."

"Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor? He had only one eye, but two pupils!"

"Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority"

"What's the difference between a hockey player and a French woman? Hockey players shower after three periods."