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Joke of the Day

"When I'm down, I read shelving assembly instructions. Shelf help books make me feel better."

"911: What's your emergency? Me: Are you guys hiring? 911: This is an emergency line. Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?"

"A Donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass!"

"What's E.T short for He's got little legs."

"How you doin' Jerusalem! ""WINE"" Here's a new tric- ""MAKE WINE"" Please, I've been working very hard on my routi- *dodges stone jars of water*"

"PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now"

"HILLARY: i'm sick and tired of these baseless accusations THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she's also tired!"

"When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young."

"Life is like a penis Simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely. Then women make it hard."

"What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community? That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)"