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Joke of the Day

"What do selfies make me want to do? Shoot myself"

"""Batman, we need your help in Brussels immediately."" ""Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."""

"What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell. She's got a grenade in her mouth."

"A bunch of Italians formed a Bob Marley tribute band. They're called the Reggae-Tony's"

"I'm thinking of changing my name to Attention so i can get paid"

"My girl said she need distance and time Still dont know what she's trying to calculate the velocity of..."

"I like my slaves like I like my eggs. Beaten."

"Today is national dog day and women's equality day... It's national bitch day. /r/showerthoughts did not appreciate this. Maybe you guys will."

"What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet? Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)"

"i'm supposed to train the intern to do what i do every day, but i'm not sure how comfortable i am giving him my twitter & facebook passwords"