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Joke of the Day

"[job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times"

"The tongue twister... The wife asks her husband: -Hey, do you know any tongue twisters? -Yes, penis. -Penis? thats not a tongue twisfhndnfasdfnghfgh"

"Why didn't Santa's father get a ticket for speeding in the sleigh? A grandfather claus got him out of it!"

"What is the painless frequency? 0 Hz"

"What do Japanese men do when they have erections? Vote."

"Why were the pirates on the ship fighting? They needed better anchor management."

"What do you get when you mix olive oil, lemon juice, rosemary, thyme, salt, pepper and marijuana? Cheech Marinade!"

"What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak."

"Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue."

"Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*"