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Joke of the Day

"I just referred to tongs as 'food tweezers' in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language."

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"How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident? As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^"
"Alien: We've returned, show us what you built with our technology Egyptians: ... Aliens: ... Egyptians: ok don't be mad"
"My bedtime is 9:11pm... So I never forget."
"After hearing a lot of Oscar Pistorius jokes I find them disgusting. Frankly I won't stand for them and neither will he."
"What do you call and Indian funeral? A pool party"
"Why Aren't There Riots When White People Get Killed? Because white people have work in the morning."
"I held the door open for a clown today... ...it was a nice jester."
"BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?"
"What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, three legs at noon and two in the evening? A cat in a minefield."
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