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Joke of the Day

"Someone tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need."

"[stranded on Mars] me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations"

"BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower. He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor."

"ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m COP: You don't need an alibi, you're not a suspect ME: I know, I'm just telling everyone"

"Apparently ""I'll break your god damn legs"" isn't the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway."

"Whenever I cut a zucchini I like to pretend that I'm the Hulk's rabbi."

"What do a thong and Bernie Sander's crazyman hairstyle have in common? They both barely cover a cunt."

"What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickleback."

"Strictly between you and me and whatever agency these hummingbirds are reporting to, my paranoia is getting worse."

"My girlfriend walked in on me again while I was eating cake frosting she'd hidden in the fridge. I hate getting caught masticating."