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Joke of the Day

"[Interrogation room] Good cop: ""Confess and we will go easy on you"" Sweet tooth cop: ""You bes- *hears music* -ICE CREAM MAN!"" *runs outside*"

"If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn't mean I'm stalking you...It just means you haven't looked nice in awhile"

"Note to younger women: Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks. Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked."

"You're so beautiful I can't describe it with words.. but numbers can. 3/10."

"*shakes self after staring at ceiling* Sorry honey, I was just thinking about Mitt Romney"

"Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can. 2/10"

"Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?"

"What's common between Canadians and Belgians? They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too."

"She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!"

"What was the allergic 2""X4""'s terrifying hallucination? He sawdust."