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Joke of the Day

"I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their ""God"" but... ...they're always taking his name in vein."

"Man goes to the doctor ""Doc, doc, the area around the entrance on my butt is a little itchy"" ""I think you mean the exit........."""

"Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!"

"If I got $1 every time somebody called me sexist I would walk free of a rape case"

"HR: The delivery job is yours. Me: Great! HR: Do u have a reliable car? Me: Yes. HR: Model? Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?"

"These five euphemisms for defecation will shock you! I can't believe #2"

"[restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN"

"Firing Victoria of IAMA"

"Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside"

"When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It's a, ""shit and run""."