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Joke of the Day

"A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""Hey, we have a drink named after you!"" The screwdriver responds, ""You have a drink named Murray?"""

"""I'm a very private person"" - people who are on back to back reality shows"

"""Sir you can't bring a whole cake into a movie theater"" ""What if I cut it in half?"""

"Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?"

"Wow, you're a Sagittarius?? That must mean you're trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes"

"So a Priest says to a Rabbi.... ""Hey, we should go fuck those kids..."" and the Rabbi says: ""Outta what?"""

"Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you."

"I can get into aquariums for free, because I donated a whale! I guess my ex's sister was useful for something after all."

"Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth."

"I was playing Words with Fiends I scored 50 points for using all my runes, but summoned Pazuzu."