109717

Joke of the Day

"I recently took a hepatitis test... I kicked ass, too. I got two As, a B, and a C!"

"What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger."

"[getting murdered] Me: ""Could you please stop for a second?"" *gives murderer a Snickers"

"My kid missed the school bus, instantly resulting in drama & tears. But now that I've had a few cocktails, I'm OK."

"Donald Trump said he is going to do an AMA from the space station For upvotes"

"Paddy and Murphy find a mirror. Paddy picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy "" that bloke looks really familiar "". Murphy grabs it off him "" Its me you idiot """

"I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'"

"HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome."

"Did you hear about the guy who kept shooting birds? He was charged with First Degree Burder."

"Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream [dr] yup what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream"