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Joke of the Day

"my signature move is yelling ""where in the fridge?!"" and ""i don't see it!"" until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me"

"I once asked an Asian girl for her number. She said ""SEX SEX SEX, FREE SEX TONIGHT"" I said ""wow"". Then her friend said, ""no, she meant 666-3629."""

"You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before."

"Hey, are you the combination of fluorine-45 and silver-45? Because you look like a huge FAg."

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face"

"Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one."

"An identity thief... takes things personally"

"What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist? You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE."

"She left me a note, on the fridge... ""It's not working anymore, I'm leaving you"". I opened up the fridge and it is working. She left me for nothing, that idiot."