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Joke of the Day

"If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I'd change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs"

"What's worse than being raped by your dad's penis? Also being forced to fill his Viagra prescription."

"If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin."

"""Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen... "" Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

"I cried last night harder than I've ever cried before. I really should invest in a nose hair trimmer instead of plucking them."

"Why hasn't Joe entered the race yet? He's just Biden his time."

"May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor. And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor."

"Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine."

"People who generalize.. I find people who generalize to be complete idiots."

"Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age."