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Joke of the Day

"I said ""Candyman"" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there."

"If I had a nickel for every time I heard the same joke on Reddit... I'd have about $3.50"

"Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra"

"Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our shittiest table."

"""I thought I was happy, but then you revved your engine so loudly and I realised YOU are what's been missing from my life"" - No girl, ever."

"I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, ""Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"""

"I went shopping for the latest iPhone. Unfortunately, the Apple Store had sold out, so I didn't end up 6sful."

"Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and ""read"" the card."

"Why isnt Monica Lewinsky voting for Hillary? The last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth."

"3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3."