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Joke of the Day

"Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I'm replying with a telegram because you're apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]"

"Did you hear about player safety in the super bowl? Both teams suffered from blackouts"

"I opened my front door this morning to find a large black coffin. I gave him a pack of Lockets and told him to fuck off."

"Just ate so much burrito that halfway through, I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't eating a burrito"

"What do you call someone who has blonde hair, blue eyes and worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster? A Pastafaryan."

"Miley Cyrus's fiance wants to break up with her. When asked why, he said that it's not twerking."

"Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn't have an earring."

"Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader"

"If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising."

"The new mouthwash I bought says ""24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"""