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Joke of the Day

"Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?"

"[pinned down by sniper fire] Squad leader: I'm going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha"

"I waited 279 days before I made my first post on Reddit, apparently I could've waited 558 days and received the same response."

"I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food... When they find out they'll shit bricks."

"Who busted you out of Iraq? Well actually, I-ran"

"It's quiet...too quiet... Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner? She had to buy a duet yourself kit... *-drops mic-* *-mike jumps up and promptly kicks hatter in the shin-*"

"Why did the fetus kill his twin? There wasn't enough womb for the two of them!"

"Me: I'm bored Dad: hi bored I'm dad Me: I'm hungry Dad: hi hungry I'm dad Me: I'm here's 20 dollars Dad: hi here's 20 dollars Me: thanks dad"

"I measured your Mother's resistance to being accelerated by a force. The answer was massive."

"guy walks into a bar... bar eats 'im."