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Joke of the Day

"Doctor and Lady Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted! Are you properly taking 3 meals a day as I had advised? Lady: Oh my god! I heard 3 ""males"" a day."

"Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?"

"Websites that automatically play music are like strangers who try to talk to you on a plane."

"So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response"

"""This place sucks."" ~Stevie Wonder at an art gallery"

"So Knock Knock Knock Knock Whos There Me Me Who Miguel ps: my name is Miguel"

"Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop."

"If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order."

"TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket? ME: You shut your mouth TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it"

"Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive."