108219

Joke of the Day

"Maybe, ""only if you're taking me to dinner"" wasn't the best response to, ""is this going down?"" to the guy on the elevator. Flirting is hard"

"I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing."

"What do you call a stupid arachnid? A spiDUUUUUUUR"

"Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage."

"What kind of car does a pirate drive? Toyota YARis"

"Knock knock Who's there? The pastor The pastor who? Open the fucking door goddamit, there's a crazy white man with a gun, let me out!"

"My mother says I look just like an animal when I'm in the bath - a little bear."

"lower my casket into the ground and play ""The Lion Sleeps Tonight"" If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out."

"Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations."

"You know what'd be an AMAZING prank for April Fool's Day, Reddit? If you could stay up for 24 hours straight :3"