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Joke of the Day

"Have you heard the ""good news"" about Jesus? It's his daughter's quinceanera today so he can't do our lawn"

"*flips coin* ""Head or tail?"" Her: That's not how this works!"

"Nice try, black horses not named ShaNeighNeigh."

"Online shopping. My wife was complaining that i shop too much online and that i had to send some shit back where it came from. So i have sent her back to Thailand."

"Me: I think we need to break up Her: Now is not a good time Me: Okay *we ride the rollercoaster in silence*"

"Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you're supposed to pick them up?"

"What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money."

"Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper."

"*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds* *hits 'stop recording' on outgoing voicemail message*"

"cucumber and potato. What the potato said to the cucumber? - Hi, How are you? What the cucumber answered? - OH MY GOD!!! A TALKING POTATO!!!!!!!!!"