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Joke of the Day

"What's invisible and smells like bananas? monkey farts"

"I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school..."

"Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet."

"My friend lied to me about pooping in the slow cooker. What a crock of shit."

"I want to be as annoying as a vegetarian but still eat meat so I'm telling people I only eat chicken. I'm calling myself a ""poultrivore""."

"Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her."

"You know what I love about our relationship? We don't always need to talk. We can just sit here quietly disliking each other."

"I met this gorgeous girl on the subway... and I said to her, ""do you know the different between lunch and a blowjob"" ""no"" Ok, lets go to lunch then."

"Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender says, ""Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?"" Descartes replies, ""No, I think not."" And then he vanishes. No dice."

"Survey I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo they use while showering. 99 out of those 100 answered : ""How the fuck did you get in here you asshole!?!"""