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Joke of the Day

"I could never be on The Bachelor. I don't need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It's bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday."

"""No, don't get up"" - how I greet people in wheelchairs."

"What do you call an underage gang bang? Bohymen Rapecity"

"Why do melons tend to have large weddings? They cantaloupe"

"What do you call a litter of Corgi puppies? A Corgisbord."

"You never really know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last. Snow, maybe."

"I want to get a medical bracelet that says, ""Shy"" so I can I just hold it up during social situations."

"What chews on trees and sings? Justin Beaver"

"How do Mexican peanuts tell time? cacawatches"

"My wife sent me to the shop to buy a butternut squash then got annoyed when I came back with three items. (credit: Sean Lock)"