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Joke of the Day

"Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?"

"Apple's latest phone is going to be a hit. It's the iPhone Success."

"9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself The other one realizes that's what got you into this shit in the first place."

"I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down."

"I stole Stephen Hawking's wheelchair today I thought it was hilarious, he had nothing to say on the matter."

"What is it called when a woman can't imagine having kids? Inconceivable."

"Be smart because you won't be pretty forever."

"How are making love in a boat and Coors Lite similar? They're both fucking close to water,"

"Yo mama so ugly She got fired from a blowjob"

"[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news...HOW contagious?"