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Joke of the Day

"Growing up couldn't wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?"

"honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren't a good way to describe emotions"

"TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?"

"So this guy walks into a bar... JOHN CENA! LIVE AT SUUUUUUUUUPER SLAAM!"

"A dog walks into a bar ""I'll have one ... beer."" Bartender replies ""Why the pause?"" Dog says ""Because I was born with them, asshole."""

"She like, literally died. ~White girls' headstones"

"KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: ... MOM: ... DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction"

"Girls: He's cute. He's cute. He's cute. He's cute. Ewww. Guys: Fuckable. Fuckable. Fuckable. Fuckable. Too fat."

"I'll always remember what my uncle said before he passed on up... ""Flying houses? Talking dogs? That movie looks dumb."""

"Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying ""I don't know?"" whenever you ask them a question."