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Joke of the Day

"Why did Regina George's dog only play keep-away? because fetch is not going to happen."

"Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS."

"Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn't die. Now I'm just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang."

"I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting."

"Republicans run for office by saying the government doesn't work... Then they get elected and prove it."

"A girl asks a guy if she is wearing to much makeup. The guy responds. ""Depends, are you trying to kill the Batman?"""

"A photon checks into a hotel and is asked ""do you have any luggage, Sir?"" The photon replies ""no, I'm travelling light"""

"I worked at a Chili's when I was in college, which is so embarrassing. I usually just tell people I was a stripper."

"[answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me."

"Some people don't realize how grateful they should be that I'm not allowed to carry a sword in public."