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Joke of the Day

"What did the ZERO say to the EIGHT? Nice belt"

"You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program."

"Say ""Rise up lights"" in your normal speaking voice. . . You just said ""Razor blades"" with an Australian accent."

"Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song."

"How do you know the guy sucking your dick is gay? He's holding it with his pinky in the air."

"What did the Nazi boy say to his sweetheart? I reich you."

"Me: Hurry up kid. We're gonna be late for school 6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*"

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it had a silent pee."

"What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face. credit to /u/crashdemon."

"My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life My calendar's days are numbered."