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Joke of the Day

"[interview] What's your greatest weakness? ME: Probably avoiding tough questions Can you elaborate on that? ME: Oh hey look at the time!"

"A penny saved... ... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!"

"You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it."

"Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets"

"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese."

"I'd never snoop through my girlfriend's phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password."

"Vaping! The great taste of steam, the cool look of blowing a flashlight."

"Nothing bums me out more than realizing how many celebrity baby names I know."

"Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best."

"So what do you guys think my odds are of getting hit by a car if I went out on my road bike right now? 4/20?"