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Joke of the Day

"ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days"

"WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt"

"""Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you."" *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud."

"what the black guy get on his SAT's? BBQ sauce"

"I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a ""ghost"" and end up as a ""drunk ghost that needs a ride home."""

"The ""Lumos/Nox"" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However... I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid ""Avada Kedavra."""

"What's the difference between a PhD in math and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four"

"How do you make a neato burrito? With cool beans."

"Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets."

"What's the new Taken prequel going to be called? Taken Befour"