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Joke of the Day

"I just bought a notebook with perforated pages... It's tearable."

"Phoned up the local gym I phoned up the local gym and asked them if they could teach me the splits. They asked me how flexible I was. I said I can't make Tuesdays."

"Russia doesn't have a online TV streaming service. It's called Nyet-Flix."

"I got in from the pub and poured myself a glass of water. ""You're drunk, aren't you?"" said a disappointed voice behind me. ""What makes you say that, honey?"" I asked. She said, ""This isn't your house."""

"What do you call a Chinese pilot? A pilot you racist!"

"If I had to list one thing I'm truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable."

"I wouldn't mind getting arrested today because I'm having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous."

"If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works."

"SCIENTIST: it's both man and machine ME: what's it called? S: I call it a cyborg M: I would have went with manchine S: *crushes test tube*"

"Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn't improved since fourth grade."