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Joke of the Day

"Phoned up the local gym I phoned up the local gym and asked them if they could teach me the splits. They asked me how flexible I was. I said I can't make Tuesdays."

"What kind of a friar loves philosophy? A deep friar."

"Of course I don't hold grudges! I'm a woman, I carry them around in my designer purse everywhere I go."

"What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? DAMN! My friend told me this the other day not sure where it came from but I laughed "

"I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life ...if I die next Tuesday."

"Why do Japanese hate bingo? They all scramble for cover when you call B-29"

"yo mamma so fat she make a whale look bulimic"

"Time I spend listening to music 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones 17 minutes"

"I asked a coworker if she liked Mila Kunis. She said yes and all the better if I call her a whore afterwards. Then I saw her hearing aid."

"i bet cough drops were invented before candy, because if they were invented after then they'd be called candy."