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Joke of the Day

"Be alert! ... the world needs more lerts."

"Donald Trump's tweets are actually really entertaining if you imagine him tweeting from a gold toilet while having violent diarrhea."

"While at our wedding, I pointed out to my wife-to-be... that her her veil wasn't nearly opaque enough. She responded by discreetly implying she would hit me. It was a thinly-veiled threat."

"Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch."

"Scientists have proved that there are two things in the air that cause women to get pregnant. Their legs."

"Q: What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? A: One sells watches and the other watches cells."

"What's the difference between Det. Rust Cohle and a psychopath? Psychopaths are fun at parties."

"Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson? Do you want to be black, or white?"

"He's taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend."

"Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel? They say he was snowed in."