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Joke of the Day

"HR: ""You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact."" Me: ""Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."""

"Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair? Because if they had pulled them by their feet they would have filled up with mud"

"What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts? Abstinence."

"We really need to silence the Muslim jokes I'm talking to the guys in particular, since the Women are already silent."

"Energizing breakfast smoothie: 1. 2 cups chopped kale 2. 1 ripe banana 3. 1/8 tsp flax oil 4. 1/2 cup coconut water 5. 3 grams of cocaine"

"Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad."

"Children in the back seat cause accidents... ...accidents in the back seat cause children."

"Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo."

"What do tigers wear in bed ? Stripey pyjamas !"

"Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic."