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Joke of the Day

"For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her."

"My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around."

"Sorry I yelled 'killin' it' when your mom was eating that banana"

"I photobombed my pal's passport photo & now they won't let him through customs unless I'm behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz."

"Why can't the T-rex do any push ups? Small arms? No it's because dinosaurs are extinct you dumbass."

"What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi."

"What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself? One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan."

"Ladies: Stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet.....Sweeping is your job."

"I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I'm stuck and going nowhere with them"

"My friends tell me that I'm a sociopath, but I don't care what they think."