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Joke of the Day

"How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course."

"It's truly amazing what Abraham Lincoln accomplished while wearing such a big stupid hat."

"What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye matey!"

"Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time."

"Did you hear about the protests going on outside of Madison Square Garden? Everyone was yelling ""Hands up, Don't Shoot"" but J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony just wouldn't listen."

"Every time I meet someone new, my girlfriend gets a slap across the face. I really need to stop high-fiving people."

"Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit One fly passes gas and the other looks at him, ""Come on man, I'm eating over here!"""

"TIL 90% of statistics are bullshit, including this one."

"Every DJ's picture looks like they just got done effing your mom & can't wait to tell you about it."

"I told my boyfriend I wanted to break up with him for very mature reasons... His dick was too small."