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Joke of the Day
"What do hippies call there sex life before they get married? Prius"
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"[Bad] Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu? The prices were gastronomical... (I'll show myself out...)"
"Al Gore should start a band and call it Algoreithms."
"When is the closest Leo will get to an Oscar? When he takes out the trash"
"Wife: ""Do you think of me when you're away darling?"" Husband: ""Yes honey I always bare you in mind."""
"I don't delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer. ""Always needs a favor"" is calling, decline."
"4yo: I want to play squirt guns Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry? 4yo: YES Me: Okay, let's go"
"Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware."
"Congradulations, you have won a lifetime-supply of batteries from He Man's new company: The Power of Greyskull"
"Why did Adele leave the house? So she could say Hello from the outside."