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Joke of the Day

"I'd like to commit suicide to get rid of my indecisiveness but I don't wanna jump into conclusions."

"LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight. When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun"

"Saw a guy scratch his balls and then he made eye contact with me as he smelled his fingers. Probably took 8 years off my life."

"It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open."

"Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET'S DO THIS 'THE FAULT IN OUR STARS'"

"If you're at a bar & see a security camera, make the Halpert Face at it. If the cops are ever reviewing the footage, it'll give em a laugh"

"Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back."

"What do climate change scientists and Donald Trump have in common? Each is desperately hoping the other is a hoax."

"What is the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once."

"You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You're hot enough to cook meat on."