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Joke of the Day

"Just phished Forest Gump's Facebook password, it's: 1Forest1"

"'Do what you want!' she cried lying back on the bed. 'I love a man who takes control.' 'OK' he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order."

"[voice recognition in car] Car: ""please say a command"" Me: ""call Tim"" Car: ""calling Sarah Marcogliese"""

"I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called ""Don't Speak""? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind."

"Why did Shrodinger's girlfriend dump him? Because she didn't like his lack of commitment"

"I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse."

"Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot...he's got like 4 arms."

"No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie."

"Lif... ...is too short."

"What do you give to an owl who is not being himself? A Bowl (B-Owl)"