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Joke of the Day

"After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family."

"Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5."

"The nice thing about being a hypochondriac is eventually you'll be right, then die while going, ""See? Told you."""

"*Brings axe to slumber party* ""Oops. I thought you said 'lumber party'"" *Knew the whole time* *Waits until they're asleep* *Chops down tree*"

"What club cancels their meeting everytime? The vegan club"

"If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone"

"My dad wore my mom's clothes and vice-versa. Really didn't want to see them like that. To me, they were trans-parent"

"If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too."

"[Calls boss] I'm gonna be late... ""How late?"" *Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego* I've no idea to be honest with you..."

"[police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit"